The Grief Process, also known as the Healing or Forgiveness Process

Since Parenting can cause a lot of grief or dealing with Grief can cause a lot of hardships to parenting I wanted to share what I learned in a great book called "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" where the author Melody Beattie talks about the Art of Acceptance (in Chapter 12 pages 134 to 140).

She explains how we accept negative (and even positive) things that happen to us or our unmet (and met) expectations through a five-step/stage process. It's called the Grief Process.

People go through these stages or steps whenever they face any loss or change (good or bad). The loss can be minor like losing a five dollar bill she says or not reeiving an expected letter, or it can be significant like the loss of an important person in your life through betrayal or death, or the loss of a job. Even positive change brings loss, she explains, like when you buy a new house and leave the old one (even if the new one is better). All these things require a progression through the five stages of Grief.

People will probably go through this process for anything that is a fact in their lives that they have not accepted.

This process is not particularly comfortable, she says. In fact it is awkward and somtimes painful. We may feel like we are falling apart. When the process begins, we usually feel shock and panic. As we go through the stages, we often feel confused, vulnrable, lonely, and isolated. A sense of loss of control is usually present, as is hope, which is sometimes unrealistic.

With this said, What have you faced that has caused you to be in the Grief Process and where are you in that process right now?

It is possible to be in many stages of the grief process for several losses, all during the same time.

Here are the 5 stages or steps:

*The first stage generally is denial. This is a state of shock, numbness, panic, and general refusal to accept or acknowledge reality. We do everything and anything to put things back in place or pretend the situation isn't happening. There is much anxiety and fear in this stage. Reactions typical of denial include: Refusing to believe reality ("No, this can't be"); Denying or minimizing the importance of the loss ("Isn't no big deal"); Denying any feelings about the loss ("I don't care"); or Mental Avoidance (sleeping, obsessing, compulsive behaviors, and keeping busy). We may feel somewhat detached from ourselves, and our emotional responses may be flat, nonexistent, or inappropriate (laughing when we should be crying; crying when we should be happy). When someone is codependent Melody says she is convinced they do most of their codependent behaviors in this stage-obsessing, controlling, and repressing feelings.

If you recognize you are in this stage of Grief it isn't a very good time to make significant or serious decisions.

Claudia L Jewett in Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss she explains that "in times of great stress, we shut down our awareness emotionally, sometimes intellectually, and occassionally physically. A built-in mechanism operates to screen out devastating information and to prevent us from becoming overloaded. Psychologist tell us denial is a conscious or unconscious defense that all of us use to avoid, reduce, or prevent anxiety when we are (feel) threatened. We use it to shut out our awareness of things that would be too distrubing to know."

Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change. It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources.

*Typically the second stage is Anger. Our anger may be reasonable or unreasonable. We may be justified or may irrationally vent our fury on anything and anyone. We may blame ourselves, God, and everyone around us for what we have lost. The extend of our anger will vary depending on the nature of the loss. For some things we may have little anger over, while other things we may experience very strong feelings of anger.

This is why setting someone straight, showing someone the light, or confronting a serious problem often doesn't turn out the way we expect. If we are denying a situation, we won't move directly into acceptance of reality--we'll move into anger. That is also why we need to be carefui about major confrontations (or decisions) while we are in this stage of Grief.

*Normally the third stage is called Bargaining. Here we attempt to strike a bargain with life, ourselves, another person, or God. If we do such and such or if someone else does this or that, then we won't have to suffer the loss. We are not attempting to postpone the inevitable; we are attempting to prevent it. In this stage sometimes the deals we negotiate are reasonable and productive like getting counseling for a problem and sometimes our bargains are absurd like arranging to kill someone.

*The fourth stage usually is Depression. When we see our bargain has not worked, when we finally become exhausted from our struggle to ward off reality, and when we decide to acknowledge what life has socked to us or our choices have brought us we become sad, in very serious situations of loss we can become terribly depressed. Especially if something we chose to do while going through the grief process in the first place causes us more grief to deal with. This is the essence of grief: mourning at its fullest. This is what we have been attempting at all costs to avoid. This is the time to cry, and it hurts. This stage of the process begins when we humbly surrender, says Esther Olson, a family counselor who works with the grief or, as she calls it, "forgiveness or healing process." It will disappear, she says, only when the process has been worked out and through.

*The very last stage is Acceptance. In this stage we are finally at peace with what is. We are free to stay; free to go on; free to make whatever decisions we need to make. We are free! We have accepted our loss, however minor or significant. It has become an acceptable part of our present circumstances. We are comfortable with it and our lives. We have adjusted and reorganized. Once more, we are comfortable with our present circumstances and ourselves. Not only are we comfortable with our circumstances and the changes we have endured, but we believe we have in some way benefitted from our loss or change even if we cannot fully underatand how or why. We have grown from our experience. We deeply believe our present circumstances--every detail of them--are exactly as they ought to be for the moment. In spite of our fears, feelings, struggles, and confusion, we understand everything is okay even if we lack insight. We accept what is. We stop running, ducking, controlling, and hiding. And we know it is only from this point that we can go forward.

Denial, depression, bargaining, and anger may all come rushing in. We may not know what we're trying to accept. We may not even know we're struggling to accept a situation. We may simply feel like we have gone crazy.

This entire process may take place in thrity seconds for a minor loss; it may last years or a lifetime when the loss is significant. Because this is a model of the process, it is possible for people to not go through the stages exactly as Melody has outlined them. Also it is possible for people to travel back and forth: from anger to denial, from denial to bargaining, from bargaining back to denial. Regardless of the speed or route people travel through these stages, they must travel through them. This is a normal, and necessary process, and each stage is necessary. We don't necessarily have to let the stages dictate our behaviors, but each person, for their well-being and ultimate acceptance, needs to spend individually appropriate time in each stage. "The only way out is through", Frits Perls

Melody says, "We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace and in our own way.

"Healthy are those who mourn," Donald L. Anderson author of Better Than Blessed. He also says, "Grief, like any genuine emotion, is accompanied by certain physical changes and release of a form of psychic energy. If that energy is not expended in the normal process of grieving, it becomes destructive within the person...even physical illness can be a penalty for unresolved grief...Any event, any awareness that contains a sense of loss for you can, and should, be mourned. This doesn't mean a life of incessant sadness. It means being willing to admit to an honest feeling rather than always having to laugh off the pain. It's not only permissible to admit the sadness that accompanies any loss--it's the healthy option.

Be gentle with yourself. This is a draining, exhausting process says Melody. It can deplete our energy and throw us off balance. Talk to people, people who are safe and will provide the comfort, support, and understanding you need (and who will recognize you are grieving and how to help you through the stages appropriately without causing you more grief.) Talk it out; talk it through.

Understand this process helps us be more supportive to other people, and it gives us the power to decide how we will behave and what to do to take care of ourselves when we go through it.

Learn the Art of Acceptance. It's a lot of grief :) Melody says. 

Understanding the Affects of Expectations

EXPECTATIONS is another area that can cause us to have a lot of anxiety, depression, and stress. Remember, all frustration is based on unmet expectations, according to Dr. Lund. There are two kinds of expectations. Those that depend upon what we do and those that depend on what others do. Dependent expectations which require other people to perform in certain ways are wishes. (We have no control over these.) Independent expectations which depend solely upon us carrying them out are goals.("How to Hug a Poricupine" by Dr. Lund pg. 88-89 read)

Sometimes we are given expectations from others and we believe that we must do or be like they think, but it is up to us to decide if their wishes are reasonable demands on us. Can we actually be different then they think and still be ok? Are those people correct who are giving us “shoulds”? Is this thing the right thing for me or is this just what that person wants or thinks is right? We have our agency and God has given us guides and helps to accomplish his mission(s)/purposes for us in our lives. Think about it, “Who are you trying to please? What will be the outcome of trying to please them?” We have a great blessing by having the gift of the Holy Ghost. We can receive personal revelation to know what we should do. What God wants us to do. He’s given us the Priesthood. We can get priesthood blessings, patriarchal blessings, and we have the Apostles and Prophet.

If we ask, we shall receive; if we seek, we shall find; if we knock it will be opened unto us. (Matt 7:7). If we want to please God there are many ways to know what He expects, but even then He still allows us to choose our own will. But if we choose His way, we will be blessed. He is bound to bless us as we do what he asks.

Now we must keep in mind that at times what is required of us will stretch us. It will be hard, but for our good. We must keep focused on the end result, rather then the means to the end. God is there to help. He has given us the atonement through Jesus Christ. Never underestimate what the Atonement can do for you. We can do all things asked by God through the atonement. Remember the devil will not want us to succeed. He tempts us to believe false things about God, the Savior, the Atonement, etc. Notice his deceptions and distractions. Our Father in Heaven has also blessed us with prayer, priesthood, temples, scriptures, church, families, etc. He loves us and seeks to do whatever he can to make us our best selves. Also when dealing with expectations we must consider, some people have problems with being satisfied. They may never be happy, no matter what we or others do. With these people we can never do or be enough in order for them to be pleased. In these situations Dr. Lund suggests, we must determine what we think is enough (good enough), and define what we think a good and loving person would do and then do that. Also he tells us our primary objective should be to become our healthiest and best self. We must decide what that is and how to achieve it. Of Course, we want to include the Lord in our decision. He obviously has a far better vision of who we are and what we can achieve, and has the eternal perspective to lead us to experiences that we need. If we consider what He thinks and apply that information to our lives we will indeed become the best we could ever be, and the most happy and healthy. Remember perfection is a process. Enjoy the journey and process. It takes time and we must be patient. Our Father in Heaven understands that we make mistakes, that we are tempted and tried, and face tribulations. Sometimes we will fall, God prepared for that. We have no terrible lose when we fall, unless we choose to stop getting up and trying again. Beware of Satan’s lies. He will try to tell us we can’t get up or it’s not worth it, etc. (read Mosiah 4:6-11) Do not believe him. He is not trying to help you. He’s a liar and hates God and our Savior. Do not listen to him. Get back up and try again. No one will fail in this life if they keep getting up and trying again.(read Alma 5: 33-34; 3 Nephi 9:14) Don’t get discouraged. We have help. We have a Savior and a Loving Heavenly Father who constantly reach out their hands to help pull us up and heal our hurts and ease our pains, so we can continue to move forward and learn. They love us so much. Never forget or become deceived or distracted from this truth. (but even if you do, you will not be forgotten and so do not think you are totally lost.) Tell Satan you are choosing to not listen to him. Remember we are never alone. God and Jesus are always there to help us carry our load when the burden needs to be shared. We will gain strength as we do what we can, especially when we feel our burden is heavy.

I listed some good information on the handout, about expectations from Dr. Lund. You can look at it when you’re done.

Beware Satan will tempt us to think that God is asking too much. Keep in mind Satan is the one who will never be happy, no matter what we do or what he gets. Another thought, learn from God and Christ’s examples. They are constant and unchanging no matter what Satan does. (What Satan does, does not change who or what God is or how he acts.)

WHEN DEALING WITH ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION, WE MUST REMEMBER THAT ALL FRUSTRATION COMES FROM UNMET EXPECTATIONS. DR. LUND IN HIS BOOK HELPS US MORE CLEARLY IDENTIFY UNMET EXPECTATIONS WE ARE FRUSTRATED WITH. The first reaction to unmet expectations is frustration. You must identify what your expectation was, that caused you to be frustrated. Dr. Lund has it written out “I am frustrated because I expected_______________.” You can make a list of your expectations using this form. Then you must identify your next reaction which will either be an emotional or mental one. Emotional: resentment, hate, anger, disappointment, despair, resignation, depression, anxiety, nervousness, worry, fear, withdrawal, silence, revenge, crying, yelling . Or Mental: Positive or negative silence, denial, ignore the person, no immediate comment, meditate, ponder, think about a productive response. Which one did you choose? Your third reaction to an unmet expectation is your choice of behavior, which can be: Positive or negative silence, improper criticism, withdrawal, crying, rage, yelling, parenting, panic attacks, laughing, working harder, singing, smiling, avoidance. What one did you choose? Remember you choose all of your reactions to frustration. They don’t just happen. We can choose what we will do!

HOW DO YOU GENERALLY RESPOND TO FRUSTRATION? (FROM DR. LUND’S BOOK “HOW TO HUG A PORCUPINE”)EXAMPLES OF NEGATIVE RESPONSES TO FRUSTRATION:*Pouting *Anger *Crying *Rebellion *Throwing things *Despair *Hopelessness *Resignation *Yelling*Being contentious *Being contrary *Physical abuse *Blaming others*Depression *Discouragement *Criticism *Verbal abuse *Spanking *Preaching *Laughing in their face *Fear *Cursing *Swearing *Resentment *Intimidation *Defensiveness *Arguing *Threats *Hitting the wall or door *Kicking the wall or door*Making others miserable *Silence as punishment

Dr. Lund says “the list of Negative Responses consist primarily of emotional reactions. They require no real thought because they are emotional and not mental reactions. (They come naturally or with ease.) Positive reactions require time to think and ponder. . . . Give yourself time before you respond . . . and develop a different set of reactions. . . The goal is to keep yourself in control of you.”

We can change these things, but it will take effort. We must act and not be acted upon (2 Nep. 2: 26).

EXAMPLES OF POSITIVE RESPONSES TO FRUSTRATION: (by Dr. Lund)1.) Excuse yourself and go for a walk to ponder responses which keep you in control of yourself and being a caring person.2.) Count to ten slowly (or give self a 24 hour time out-requested by Midwest Center) and remain in emotional control. Sort through your best options.3.) Visualize something absurd, like your husband or brother, dressed in baby clothes, sitting on a block of ice, sucking a pickle. 4.) If you are under verbal attack or criticism, simply announce your need to write the criticisms down on paper in order to ponder them. Also announce that you will seriously consider the criticisms and get back to the person later. 5.) Request the criticizing person to rub your back while he or she is giving the negative message, or ask the person to hold your hands while he or she criticizes you.

Fear also could be thought of as the affect of a dream trying to push its way out.

What are your expectations?

Take test on expectations from the midwest center (you can ask me about it).

We want to help people to see the vision of what is available to them and they can have. Things they can work towards. We need help to stay focused and motivated instead of depressed and discouraged. Keeping a positive vision of the future, and focusing on what we have control over that can help us be prepared and live in the present moment.

We take life and ourself far too seriouslyPerfectionism puts pressure on ourself and others, causing stress.

Stop and notice your expectations that cause you unnecessary stress and anxiety

Your stress, anxiety and fear are a signal to you that something needs your attention

We may begin living in an almost constant state of crisis management instead of seeing these signals as a need to change something. Learn to listen to your body. Instead of keeping focused on the feelings, notice what needs to be changed.

Laws of Change:
We can’t change anyone but ourselves. We can change ourselves.We can’t change our past. We can change our futureWe can’t always get our own way. We can change the way we feel.We can’t always get others to do what we want. We can change the way we react.

Our beliefs influence our stress level and inspire our expectations. If our beliefs are not reasonable, realistic and rational our expectations follow.

Realize you have plenty of time for making changes that will better your life. You can learn to live differently then you have been.

Remember one of the most powerful stress management tools is to be more effective and less affected.

You are responsible for how you feel. How do you deal with the world and the world with you?

How do you feel your expectations of others would make you feel?

Set realistic, reachable goals that just depend on you and are your goals not something someone else wants!

Get a clearer picture of what is real, rational, and reasonable!

Identify why you are always disappointed. What is it you want? Why were you disappointed? Why did you want more?

When have you taken life too seriously? What damage was done because of it?

Why do you do what you do? Are you motivated because of what others will think?

What do you feel you deserve? (past suffering doesn’t guarantee a future of ease).

You can’t wait for things to happen you must make things happen. Happiness is a choice.

Notice how much you avoid certain feelings and situations. You will only be frustrated trying to be in control of things out of your control, like other people or the future, past, etc. Take what comes your way and do your best with it. Stamping your feet physically and emotionally will only lead to anger and anxiety.

Expecting everyone or every thing in your life to be perfect will only lead you to be frustrated.

Your attitude is responsible for much of the stress and anxiety you experience. You choose what you think. (Four central themes in our beliefs that lead to frustration, uneasiness, anxiety and depression: Perfectionism, lack of assertiveness, unrealistic expectations, and victim thinking.)

Thought-feeling-action triangle: this can be good or bad.

Unrealistic beliefs lead to inaccurate expectations which lead to maladaptive thoughts which lead to negative feelings.

If you don’t like where you are, it is up to you, to get you where you want to be.

You can not make everyone like you. You can not please everyone, nor is it healthy to do that. Get to know and like yourself and choose to be who you want to be. Set your priorities!

Journaling every day helps you get to know yourself and see patterns and behaviors that are indicators of what’s at the root of your anxiety and depression.

Change always brings with it some anxiety. Be gentle with yourself. It will feel awkward at first to change how you think. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. Practice asking for what you need without using your anxiety as an excuse.

Notice and catch yourself in the act of feeling bad and ask yourself what you are telling yourself to feel that way. Do you really want to stay upset?

When changing your negative thoughts use words that help you feel in control. When you find the themes in your negative self-talk, begin to create a paragraph that comforts and soothes. Restate the inaccurate belief in a believable context. Include coping skills you will use. Put it on a index card and carry it with you.

Notice when you make whiny, negative, victim statements either out loud or inside. Be aware of how often you play the victim role.

In your quest is to be liked/loved by everyone you will give yourself a backache, headache, and heartache.

Discover who you really are. Identify what is pleasing. Decide what you want, not what everyone else wants.

Recovery is all about helping yourself. About building your emotional muscle and becoming a independent person. You will still be caring and sensitive, but your relationships will be more balanced and healthy. You can still ask others for what you need.

Knowledge and practice can help you see your world in a new way.

Unrealistic expectations attached to goals. When and if goals are achieved the results will not live up to expectations and disappointment follows. We often feel so overwhelmed by expectations of a goal we never try to achieve it for fear of failure or fear of self-hate.

Lower expectations to more realistic level, what is practical, is it probable? What can you expect from yourself? Are you expecting more then you should? (of others/self?) Even partial achievement can be viewed as an achievement. What did you do good? Did you do something that was helpful? Know who you are and what you are capable of. When lowering expectations learning patience, taking things one step at a time and gradually getting somewhere. It’s a process and journey not just a destination.

Things that are worth more, usually take more time in coming. Take more effort.

Immediate gratification, not long lasting, often feel don’t deserve it-feel didn’t work hard enough for it.

Lower expectations, good things that happen always recognized while bad things accepted as inevitable part of life. (Opposition in all things.) Learn from them and move on.

Do you have realistic expectations of yourself and others?Are you a perfectionist?Are you a victim, play the blame game?Do you feel guilty when you have to say “No”?

Attitude is everything. When you feel stressed do you usually look outside yourself. Look at other people, places, etc for reasons for your distress.

Perfectionist: Constantly live in the “never arrive” state. To think in order for something to be done correctly you have to do it yourself- you put extra stress and work on yourself and make others feel disempowered, untrustworthy, and inadequate.

Being more ASSERTIVE: Stand up for self without standing on someone else and love and respect yourself. Be heard without shouting. Don't worry more about what others think of you instead of what you think about yourself.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Don't have low expectations but reasonable and realistic ones. Learn to re-examine your shoulds, coulds, and expectations!

FEEL VICTIMIZED-LOOK OUTSIDE SELF OR REASONS: Take control of life, stop being a victim, and blaming others. You can choose to be happy. Learn to take charge of your life.

People only take advantage of you when you let them.

You need to change the way you think in order to minimize and eliminate some of your distress and anxiety. We are not born with coping skills and life management techniques-we must learn them. Now is the time to pick up the life management skills that lead to inner peace and productivity.

SHOULD RULE’S: (expectations typically fall short of. Usually unrealistic/not as important as think. Important to recognize why have theses particular shoulds/ what their importance really is. Anxiety comes from the form of procrastination. Always set up for disappointment and self-hate.)

Where is it I think I am failing and not living up to?

I should or shouldn’t . . . . . . (EXPECTATIONS)

I expect:

How can you turn these “Shoulds” into goals to be accomplished?Shoulds and expectations that are valid desires, need to be turned into goals. If expectations come from you and are realistic, consider valid.

What do you feel you deserve?

For more information go to http://www.stresscenter.com/

The Beauty of Pure Intimacy and Love

When we love someone and are physically intimate with them, it is a most precious moment because it is when two people become one in body and are physically close, but also a time when they exchange with each other the gifts of themselves. This is a most precious gift that they only possess, and only they can give. It's priceless and special because they are of eternal worth, and the giver deserves an eternal committment for giving it. In this kind of experience both partners can feel appreciated, loved, valued, cared for, respected, honored, and if given appropriately committed to.

Also in this situation the partners can separately feel better about themselves than they did before being together. Each is statisfied and leaves the situation with more than they had before being involved. They feel more committed to one another, and their desire to be together again increases. The happiness of the other person becomes a priority and they both want to love, serve, and be one with that other person. Each time they are together that time is appreciated and becomes more valuable.

The results of two people being physically one and literally giving part of their physical selves to each other is a child. That child represents that experience of being one and literally giving of ones self to another and is also an eternal gift to the two who gave to each other.